I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
