Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize