Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
