id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
