You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
