she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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