she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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