ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
