I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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