My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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