he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
