I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
