just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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