I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
