omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize