those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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