Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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