I skipped work to stalk him.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
