I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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