I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
