she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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