He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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