I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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