you inspire me to be a worse person
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
