Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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