I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
