I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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