I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
