and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
