fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
