P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize