My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
