conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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