It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
