I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
