I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
