Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
