sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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