last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
