I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We are all done wearing pants today
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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