the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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