Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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