I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
