You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
