i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
