I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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