i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
