I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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