it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
