Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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