Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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