I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
