Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
