Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
