No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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