If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
