So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
