I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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