I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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