oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
